It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials ‘debris.’ I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then: and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Britney Spears + Shaq + K-Fed – come on now, do I need to explain why this is a bad idea?  Yes.  First, she married Kevin Federline, who wants sloppy seconds after K-Fed has been there…gross…so gross.  She might be the worst parent of all time.  She neglects her kids, flashes her vajay-jay all over town, and she shaved her head.  Now she is hanging out with Chris Angel, possibly the biggest tool ever.  Brittney’s stock is too low for Shaq.  K-Fed would be a better match for Shaq…hey maybe he could be the nanny.

Michael Vick + Shaq (in case he comes out and tells the whole world he is gay) – I had to go there, I know, it’s a stretch.  Well they would both have to make a big announcement, but stranger things have happened, haven’t they?  No?  Come on, Vick is going to prison, he might come out a changed man after dropping the soap in the shower a couple times, you never know….wait what?  Okay, but let me just take this opportunity to have a sidebar and bash Vick just a little more.  Michael Vick would be the worst parent ever!!!

Lindsay Lohan + Shaq – I know she wears bathing suits all the time and that’s fun, but lets be serious.

Eva Longoria + Shaq – fresh off her honeymoon with Tony Parker, Eva probably isn’t thinking about anything like this…but I am.  What if Shaq made a move on the “Desperate Housewife”?  So much drama!

The Cast of Superbad + Shaq = Superbadass – okay, that’s just wierd….they are all in high school I think, or not far from it….gross.  Shaq and McLovin together would be pretty bad-ass though, wait what?  Alright, he could at least entertain Shaq’s kids.

Hillary Clinton + Shaq – besides the age difference, this could be the dumbest match-up in history.  Just imagine them on a date, the most determined and driven woman ever on a date with the biggest kid ever.  What the hell would they talk about: politics? basketball?  Can you imagine them dancing, holy cow!  Hillary with her proper dancing, well groomed with lessons, and Shaq with his crazy moves and break-dancing, hahahaha.  Well at least if it worked out he could cheat on her whenever he wanted to, she would just look the other way.

Sheryl Swoopes + Shaq – just a hunch, I don’t think it would work.

Vanessa Bryant + Shaq – probably the most interesting scenario to think about.  What if Kobe and Vanessa got a divorce and Shaq moved in on her?  Wow, can you even imagine?  This would bring new meaning to East vs. West.  Move over Tupac and Biggie, Shaq vs Kobe would take over the nation.  That would be nuts!!!  At least the drama would build up the NBA ratings.

Drink More – the manly way to do it. This is the expected method if you are in Las Vegas, you don’t have a choice.

Smoke Weed – First, we at drunkenpanda.com do not condone or support this in any way, it’s illegal….drugs are illegal!!! But, supposedly it’s one of the best hangover cures out there. I don’t know why or how it works because I have never tried it (wink wink). Also, it’s probably a good idea that if for some reason you do try this, make sure it’s not your first time smoking.

Chaser (or any other anti-hangover drug) – There are a bunch of different drugs out there that you can buy at your local drug store that I would describe as a “preemptive strike” against the hangover. You typically take a pill or two every two hours while drinking and in the morning you don’t have a hangover. I have never tried this, but it sounds like witchcraft to me. If you are drinking, and you are drinking hard enough to possibly achieve a hangover the next day, you are not going to remember to take a pill every two hours. Seriously, when people get drunk they lose track of time, and they are going to forget to take the pills, so I score this as a scam. They are ripping you off, don’t buy it. And whats more disturbing, what if you go streaking, where do you put your pills? That’s a major design flaw!

Exercise – yeah, good luck with this. If you do this as your hangover cure you are most likely a firm believer of the philosophy of: “it’s all metal”. Yeah you know who you are you freaks of nature, I hate you, go back to the gym and stay there! I once had a soccer coach who told me, “I run an hour every day, but if I drink heavy any night I run two hours the next day”. Seriously, that’s stupid.

Food, Lots of Greasy Food – my favorite activity the day after drinking, well, its my favorite activity every day. It’s great when you roll out of bed and get ready in 2 minutes and go out to grab the greasiest food you can think of. Big fat omelette’s work well, pretty much any Mexican food, but the best is a big fat burger. Tommy’s or Fatburger works great, but the best is In n’ Out. I am sorry if you don’t have these where you live cause you are missing out in a big way. There is nothing like getting a double-double animal style with animal style fries and a large coke, it dominates the hangover.

Advil+Water+Sleep (or any combination of those) – this method to me seems to be for little sissy girls. If you are a sissy and this is your method….bingo! If you are a grizzled rugby player and you do this, oops (gulp). Laying in bed til 3 o’clock in the afternoon while drinking water isn’t going to do shit to help the hangover. Seriously, get up and get the blood flowing, get something in you. If later you take a nap, that’s cool, I am pretty sure that’s standard operating procedure for a lot of people.

Coffee – caffeine seems to be a popular hangover cure. I personally don’t drink coffee, I don’t know about you guys but it seems like an adult thing to drink for a hangover. I don’t have the maturity level of an adult, therefore I don’t drink coffee (that doesn’t make any sense). Well, just ask my girlfriend, she will tell you how mature I am. Moving on.

Make Yourself Throw Up – we don’t condone this method either, but sometimes you just get the feeling that if you throw up you will feel so much better. Then when it doesn’t happen you feel like shit the next day. I don’t want anyone getting carried away and turning into Nicole Richie, that’s not a good idea. But I have heard testimonials from people and this does in fact work.

Drink a 40 oz. Gatorade – this is the single greatest hangover cure that I have discovered. I tell people about it all the time and they love it. Right before you go to bed, pound a 40 oz. Gatorade (or any sport drink), then pass out. If you cant take down the whole thing drink as much as you can. It puts a dent in the re-hydration process that you have to do the next day. I promise you will feel the difference the next morning.

Now about the beer. It’s a stout, it’s dark, it’s not heavy, and it has a 5.2% alcohol content. The beer has some lite chocolate flavorings, but also some coffee and a tiny bit of caramel. I know those flavors make it sound like chocolate/coffee liquer that you mix with your coffee in the morning but it’s not. Trust me, it’s beer, drink it….it always goes down smooth.

The Young’s Double Chocolate Stout page: click here 

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.  The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.  One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane….If I am to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”  For a moment there is silence.  Everyone has forgotten their own peril.  They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the lane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.  e is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, nbuttoning his shirt… one button at a time…No one moves…He emoves his shirt… Muscles ripple across his chest ..She gasps……He hispers … Iron this, and get me something to eat.