Posted by: bfoxwr627 | August 29, 2007

If I Were A Superhero…

Below is a list of a few different powers I would choose to have if I were endowed with superhuman abilities. This is by no means a complete list, just a few powers I would request from the superhero Gods. Feel free to let me know if you agree/disagree, or what your own totally awesome powers would be.

Truth serum – This ability allows its possessor to elicit the truth from any one person for an entire day. Most responsible people would head straight for the White House and pepper Bush and his staff with questions. Did you really believe Iraq had WMDs?? Is Karl Rove really Satan in a fat man costume? (That last one might not even be worth asking since most of us already know the answer) I will not fall into such an obvious trap. Nay, my target holds much more important answers, or really just one answer. I will seek out one of the greatest comedians/actors of our time, Bill Murray, and ask him this pointed question: What the hell did you say to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation??? Seriously, WHAT DID YOU SAY???

Eliminate the Paris Hilton effect – This ability allows its possessor to completely eliminate the “luv yas,” the heinous blonde hair, the “I dress like a slut but am really insecure and have borderline zero personality” chicks, “that’s hot,” pink EVERYTHING, tiny purse dogs that are actually NY city sewer rats, and a general bitch/entitlement attitude toward all of humanity.

Tiger for a week – Hell no I’m not talking about Tiger Woods. I want to be a bounding, pouncing, thrashing beast of the jungle that devours all living things in its path. I will be a vibrant orange, black, and white blur, and you will NOT see me coming! I will weigh almost a ton, but be faster than a cheetah, fighter jet, and Reggie Bush combined. I will be a dominator, a true king of my domain, and the Lion better thank his lucky stars that I only dwell in jungles.

Sleep on command – Kind of like having power over your narcolepsy. I want to snap my fingers and instantly be down for the count for eight straight hours. I don’t want to count sheep, count backwards from 1000, turn the tube off an hour before bed, take sleeping pills, smoke a bowl (even though it is amazing sleep), work out like a maniac just so I am worn out, or drink a glass of milk with a turkey sandwich right before bed.

Backhand anyone… – …without getting arrested. My list goes like this:
1) David Stern, whose arrogance has cost the league and its fans
2) Pradeep, from The Pickup Artist (anyone who watches the show will understand)
3) Lars Ulbitch, because it’s not what you say, but how you whine like a little girl
4) Shannon Hamilton, Ben Affleck’s character in Mallrats, what a prick
5) Billy King, GM of the Sixers, because not only could I do a better job, but so could Jiaozi
6) John Starks and Bruce Bowen at the same time, because they are two of my least favorite players of all time, and neither deserves an individual backhand.
7) Bueller, for convincing me to write on this site (kidding)

Live in Entourage – Pretty sure this would be on any guy’s list. Can you even imagine this? I guess a better idea might be choosing an episode to be thrown into and choosing the character. The first episode that pops into my mind is when E bangs the perfect 10 model, one of the very few episodes I would actually choose to be E. Another idea would be to be Ari when he has the courtside Lakers’ seats, just so I could yell “I paid two thousand dollars for these seats, I’ll get out there and launch a three if I want to!” Or I would just choose to be Vince in any episode, specifically the one where he hooks up with the madam (…seriously, how hot is that chick).



  1. Not so sure I agree with you first four abilities. But I definitely like the last two. And for the record I think you can backhand Bueller and not get arrested. In fact, you could slap him in the balls and then backhand him, to double the humiliation. Of course you can do it in reverse order if you see fit. The last ability is the best by far. I would definitely be E if I got the chance to nail Sloan. And of course being Vinny Chase would be the greatest gift ever. Shit I would even nail Ari’s wife, she’s hot for being like 40. Don’t give me that weird look, at least I didn’t make out with a much uglier 40 something year old woman.

  2. Thanks for the response Sean Harmon. First and foremost I would like to point out that the “much uglier 40 something year old woman” put the moves on me, and I would also like to note that she was a very kind and caring woman. Second, I definitely agree that the last ability is one of the best. Every time I watch that show I want to jump through the television. But come on, you’re telling me you wouldn’t want to be a badass, 1 ton tiger? Tigers are like the Lebron James of the jungle man, they have size, strength AND speed!

  3. I am shocked that none of your super powers involve getting into bed with women, with the exception of the last one. X-ray vision? Mind Control? Vibrating Penis? wait, what?

  4. Out of all of them, I think the Paris Hilton abilities are most likely to make the world a better place.

    I would like to have Ticket Shrinkage, the ability to lower ticket prices for games and concerts that are otherwise worth maybe 10% of the price to get in and watch them. Plus it would rid the world of all the pricks in the press boxes and on the sidelines. Thanks again to David Stern.

  5. why does it have to be an orange and black and white tiger? just think if you decided to be a white tiger then you could live with sigfried and roy. but then again im not sure that would be such a good thing…no wonder one of their tigers attacked them.

  6. these are the dumbest powers ever! why wouldnt you want to fly or some shit….duh

    personally i would want the “walk around in public naked without getting arrested” power

  7. Wow, that is definitely a stiffmeister comment. Although I don’t remember stiffler being into vibrating penises.

    Van Wilder, as mentioned above, this wasn’t a complete list. As one of the world’s biggest peter pan fans, obviously flying would be somewhere on my list. However, if your power would be to walk around in public naked without getting arrested, one of my powers would then have to be “the ability to use the tv blur on anyone in real life.” Unless you are a hot chick, in which case you can reach me at: 1-800-PHAT-SEX or

  8. you dummy, if i had a vibrating penis it would be awesome, not someone else!!! why would i want to play with someone else’s penis. no dudes, just chicks, sometimes animals, ok maybe dudes, but just sometimes……ok i am down for whatever, bring it on

  9. you are a peter pan fan?!?! what a sissy bitch you are. prancing around in tights watching disney movies!

    then again it took me 7 years to graduate so its not like i wanna grow up either.

    i am hung like a donkey though

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