Posted by: bueller | September 6, 2007

Shaq’s Relationship Counselor

Shaq is getting a divorce.  That’s fantastic, he is definitely going to be doing the single thing for a while, and why wouldn’t he?  He is one of the biggest names in sports and can definitely reel in the ladies with the best of them.  But when it comes time to settle down with someone to help him raise all six of his rugrats, he is going to need a suitable wife, or partner if you will.  Now, assuming I were his relationship advisor I would give him this list, consisting of people who he should definitely not consider for his second marriage:

Britney Spears + Shaq + K-Fed – come on now, do I need to explain why this is a bad idea?  Yes.  First, she married Kevin Federline, who wants sloppy seconds after K-Fed has been there…gross…so gross.  She might be the worst parent of all time.  She neglects her kids, flashes her vajay-jay all over town, and she shaved her head.  Now she is hanging out with Chris Angel, possibly the biggest tool ever.  Brittney’s stock is too low for Shaq.  K-Fed would be a better match for Shaq…hey maybe he could be the nanny.

Michael Vick + Shaq (in case he comes out and tells the whole world he is gay) – I had to go there, I know, it’s a stretch.  Well they would both have to make a big announcement, but stranger things have happened, haven’t they?  No?  Come on, Vick is going to prison, he might come out a changed man after dropping the soap in the shower a couple times, you never know….wait what?  Okay, but let me just take this opportunity to have a sidebar and bash Vick just a little more.  Michael Vick would be the worst parent ever!!!

Lindsay Lohan + Shaq – I know she wears bathing suits all the time and that’s fun, but lets be serious.

Eva Longoria + Shaq – fresh off her honeymoon with Tony Parker, Eva probably isn’t thinking about anything like this…but I am.  What if Shaq made a move on the “Desperate Housewife”?  So much drama!

The Cast of Superbad + Shaq = Superbadass – okay, that’s just wierd….they are all in high school I think, or not far from it….gross.  Shaq and McLovin together would be pretty bad-ass though, wait what?  Alright, he could at least entertain Shaq’s kids.

Hillary Clinton + Shaq – besides the age difference, this could be the dumbest match-up in history.  Just imagine them on a date, the most determined and driven woman ever on a date with the biggest kid ever.  What the hell would they talk about: politics? basketball?  Can you imagine them dancing, holy cow!  Hillary with her proper dancing, well groomed with lessons, and Shaq with his crazy moves and break-dancing, hahahaha.  Well at least if it worked out he could cheat on her whenever he wanted to, she would just look the other way.

Sheryl Swoopes + Shaq – just a hunch, I don’t think it would work.

Vanessa Bryant + Shaq – probably the most interesting scenario to think about.  What if Kobe and Vanessa got a divorce and Shaq moved in on her?  Wow, can you even imagine?  This would bring new meaning to East vs. West.  Move over Tupac and Biggie, Shaq vs Kobe would take over the nation.  That would be nuts!!!  At least the drama would build up the NBA ratings.



  1. My personal favorite would have to be the Shaq Vanessa Bryant match up. How much crazy drama would this create?! Just imagine all the hype they could do for the Laker – Heat game…it would be awesome!

  2. 3 out of 8 possibile suitors are male, and one of the females is a lesbian…where is your head at bueller? oh wait, i forgot, you LOVE the cock.

  3. your mom loves the cock

    GOT ‘EM!!!

    ps – thats why its a list of people he SHOULDNT marry…moron

  4. Credit Card Bandit, are you related to Bueller? I just ask because you guys have the exact same writing style! What a weird coincidence!

  5. so by related do you mean are we the same person? the answer is no, actually. and no, i am not related to that person either, nor do i know said person.

  6. ps – you wanna know how i know you’re gay? cause you tried really hard to come up with dudes to pair up with shaq.

  7. haha, you wanna know why i am gay? it was EASY for me to come up with dudes to pair with Shaq.

    ps – i am not gay (for the record)

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